Happy Chinese New Year!
I’ve struggled for a week trying to have my cake and eat it but finally I am at peace not in pieces.
I’ve not been very well lately and – like all ageing stressheads who decide it’s a good idea to have a child late in the game – this usually means I start worrying that I’m about to keel over and leave her without someone to occasionally peer over their laptop at her.
My husband used to read Castaneda – and I read a few myself although wasn’t ever all that sure. The one thing that stuck was not his use of peyote but his entreaty to use death as an advisor. I’ve never really been all that good at this, but this weekend I used it during one of those bone-chilling 3am dark nights of the soul. If you’re going to be a stresshead insomniac, you may as well make it work for you. And work it did. I decided to consider, if I were to have but a little bit of time left to me (which in relative terms, it’s a position we are all in) what would I think about how I’ve spent my time recently?
The weekend has been lovely. I’ve spent time with the child I never thought I would see and it’s time to put away childish things. We’ve read and played and giggled and I’ve realised how little I see how she shows all her little teeth when she laughs her head off uncontrollably. She glows so brightly when we’ve got her on the floor, when we’re playing tippy-toes, when we’re actually following her rather than her being made to follow us. I love the way she scrambles up beside me to read a book and then demand we start it again the minute that we finish.
I want more of this, because it has a time limit, it really does.
I hope your day is full of second chances and beautiful things